I’m giving up

Okay, fine. Maybe the title is a bit too dramatic. I’m not actually giving up on writing. I don’t think I could ever do that. However, I’m giving up on following this path I’ve laid out for myself.

Here’s the thing: back in 2019, when I published my debut novel Seelie Princess, I was not in a good place. I was still figuring out how to live with dysthymia (a milder, but long-lasting form of depression) while struggling to finish my bachelor’s degree. I was getting help (from family, friends, and a therapist) but what helped me most during that time was working on my book. To put it bluntly, my book gave me a reason to live whenever I felt like life was too much.

So there I was, back in 2019, desperate to hold the culmination of my efforts in my hands. I wanted that year to be special. I wanted to finish my bachelor’s degree and publish my novel. I accomplished both, despite my struggles with depression. Or maybe because of it?

As proud as I am of my accomplishments of publishing not one but three novels over the past few years, a tiny part of me has been regretting it ever since. I want to make this quite clear: I do not regret writing those three books. I also don’t regret publishing them. But I do regret that I published them when I did, one at a time, and as soon as I finished them.

If I look at this from the perspective of a publisher (and I should), I basically set myself up for failure. I published Book 1 when Book 2 was still a rough outline and Book 3 a few scribbles in a separate Scrivener file. Then I scrambled to write Book 2 as fast as I could (which really wasn’t fast at all) while also learning the hard way that you cannot properly market a book series with only one book out. Every penny that I spent on marketing back then was a massive loss. It led nowhere.

Things weren’t any different with Book 3. I put myself under so much pressure to finish it as fast as possible because I knew that if I wanted to make it as a self-published author, I needed to have more than two books. I also knew I needed to publish faster. And of course, as soon as Book 3 was out, I started on my spin-off trilogy.

Again, I was caught in the same horrible cycle: I must write faster. I must publish faster.

I must.

Over the past year, I worked on Book 1 and 2 of the spin-off, switching between the two several times. And then at the start of this year, I figured I should fix a schedule with an editor so that I can publish Book 1 still this year. After all, the last book I published was Goddess of Light, which I released in April 2023. That’s nearly two years ago. In the publishing industry, especially the indie-publishing industry, this is a very long time to go without a publication. People will forget that my books exist. That I exist. So I must write faster. I must publish faster.

I was about to schedule my book for copy-editing with an editor. But then I stalled for a few days, hesitating to confirm the schedule. And it got me thinking. Wasn’t I about to make the same mistake as last time? Didn’t I tell myself, before I started out with this spin-off trilogy, that this time I wouldn’t rush it? This time, I would finish the trilogy first before rushing out the first book?

In a dream scenario, I would finish all three books this year (two are already partially done) and put them out into the world. But this isn’t a dream scenario. This is life. I work two different jobs on top of writing. Sure, both are part-time jobs, but two part-times make one full-time job. And both those jobs are mentally taxing. I’m a language teacher. I spend a lot of time in front of people (which is already a challenge for an introvert like me) and I spend a lot of time with language. My brain’s tired. At the end of the day, it cannot think of fancy prose or heart-stopping plot twists. All it has been thinking about for the past six months is that I must write faster. I must publish faster.

And I’m not happy. I’m frustrated because I’d love to quit one of my part-time jobs, but a lot of my livelihood depends on it. I’m frustrated because I’m finally teaching English, something I’ve wanted for many years now, but I’m so stressed by all the preparation I have to do for each class. And most of all, I’m frustrated because I can’t seem to find enough energy to write. My creative tank is empty, and I haven’t been able to fill it for a while now. And it makes me sad. Because I love my stories. I love my characters, my worlds, the plots that I’ve created. I love holding a freshly printed book I wrote, feel the pages, smell the ink and marvel at my own abilities that I so often question.

I’ve been struggling so much with self-doubt, both in my daytime jobs and my writing. I’ve been stressing about keeping up my publishing schedule that I’ve set for myself. For a long time, I’ve felt like I’ve been way behind on my work, my writing, on life. I’ve been struggling to catch up. Struggling to go at a pace that wasn’t doable simply because I wished it could be done. Because I felt I had to write faster, publish faster. To build a career. Only to realize now that I should have never started that career when I did. I should have bided my time. I should have enjoyed crafting my first trilogy. My creativity, my books—that was what kept me going when I felt like I couldn’t take another step in life. But writing has become a burden because I cannot keep up with the goals I’ve set for myself.

So I’m giving up.

Not on writing. Never on writing. I’m also not giving up on publishing. But I’m giving up on keeping this ‘career’ alive because if I’m being honest, I’m simply not there yet. Maybe in two years. Maybe in five. But I’m done obsessing over sales numbers, Amazon rankings, mailing list sign-ups, ads, publishing schedules, ARCs, reader magnets, and so on. I’m done thinking that I need to publish faster because otherwise people will forget about me. I only have a handful of loyal readers, and some of them are people I know in real life. I know they will read whatever I publish, no matter how long they have to wait. They’re even fine with reading it before it’s done.

And my first trilogy isn’t going anywhere. Maybe a few people will stumble upon those books while I’m hiding away at home, working on new stories. And maybe there are people out there who will get excited when I finally do publish my next book. But that won’t happen for a while. Not until I’ve finished the entire trilogy. And maybe not even until I’ve finished more books than that. In the meantime, I might give you small updates here on my blog or my newsletter if I ever feel like it.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for bearing with me. Thank you for joining me on this journey. I’m leaving now in search of the joy I once felt when writing my stories. I know it’s out there somewhere, but I’ve driven it off with my desperation to force a career I wasn’t ready for. I’m going to focus on just writing.

For now.