When Unseelie Queen had its first year anniversary, I had a look at my files (out of curiosity) to see how much the opening scene of the book had changed from the first draft to the final version. I posted both drafts on my blog, which you can read here.
Tomorrow, April 19th 2024, marks the one-year-anniversary of my third book in the same series, Goddess of Light. So I thought, why not take another walk down memory lane? I was quite surprised. In Unseelie Queen, the opening scene remained largely the same throughout the drafts. I did split it, so ultimately the opening scene became shorter. In Goddess of Light, however, I completely changed the opening scene. I started the story at a different point in time, shifting the setting and the tone. Looking back, I believe I changed it for the better. But what do you think?
First Draft
“We’re here.”
Fay dared to open one eye, then the other. Their trip through the portal Dahlia had conjured felt like the ride on a roller-coaster. Now Fay was sick to the stomach—on top of all the other parts of her body that ached.
Cradling her broken wrist with her healthy one, Fay took a glance at their surroundings. A sprawling field stretched before them, all the way to a quaint farm house that glowed golden in the late afternoon sun. The air was pleasant and smelled like dandelions.
“Come on,” Dahlia said, “we should hurry.”
The faerie cat set off with determination. Fay followed more hesitantly. Her head still buzzed after the tumble she took on the battlefield. At first she hadn’t noticed the pain much—it hadn’t matter. But it was starting to overwhelm her. If it weren’t for Dahlia’s healing potions, she would have collapsed already.
There was no time to crumble now. The kingdom needed her. Kayla needed her.
The front door of the cabin opened and someone stepped outside. It was Abby, Kayla’s best friend. She greeted them with a wave of her hand and a broad grin that fell the second she realized Kayla wasn’t with them.
Two more people stepped outside. Fay reached for Dahlia’s arm, and Dahlia steadied her.
“We’ll need some tea!” Dahlia called.
Final Draft
On a clear day, the Seelie Court’s Citadel sparkled in the sunlight like diamonds, reflecting the hills and houses of the court. Today, the setting sun didn’t even reach the Citadel’s towers. It was blocked by a blanket of clouds that swallowed the smoke rising from the pyres, as if sucking in the souls of those who had given their lives on the battlefield.
Fay stood in the front row of the congregation. As the haunting melody of a flute echoed across the land, she slid her hand into Nooa’s by her side, leaning her shoulder against his. She could still smell the tang of blood on his skin—his own mother’s blood.
After the burial, she asked him to stay with her, but he shook his head, tears trailing down his cheeks. Though faeries didn’t age like humans, he looked worn, his mouth set in a grim line as if he hadn’t smiled in years.
“I think… I need to be alone.”
But I don’t want to be, Fay thought.
“I understand,” she said. “I’ll be in the Citadel if you change your mind.”
Nooa pressed a kiss to her forehead. He left the burial grounds guided by their friend Maeve, who refused to look Fay’s way.
While Queen Ophira was too busy giving her condolences, Fay slipped away from the scene. Their last conversation was stuck in a loop inside Fay’s mind. Fay had pleaded with Ophira, desperate for her to understand that Kayla wasn’t the enemy. That Kayla needed their help. To Ophira, the possibility of the Light Crown corrupting Kayla was just one more reason to stop her—with force, if necessary.
Once inside the Citadel, Fay went straight to the first floor, where she hesitated for a moment before facing the solitude of Kayla’s room. The dress Kayla had worn to the revel for the dead was still on the floor. A few of Kayla’s black locks stuck to the comb on her vanity table. Some memorabilia lay scattered on the nightstand: a book titled Deities of the Old World, a cellphone that had stopped working a while ago, a wooden casket in which Kayla had received her necklace, and a small stuffed hamster.
As Fay curled up on Kayla’s bed, still dressed in armor and covered in battle wounds, she hugged the stuffed hamster to her chest and buried her face in the pillow. Kayla’s scent of lavender and marigold clung to the sheets.
“I’ll fix this,” she murmured. “I promise.”
So what did you think? Did the scene improve or did you like Draft 1 more than the final version?
Sarah Tanzmann 
Leave a comment